One of my very first posts at Discovering Parenthood was about how we went through a miscarriage, Evie is our rainbow baby, and we will always remember that moment in our lives. As Evie gets older, goodness, after she was a couple months old, we had people asking when the next one would be joining our family. No pressure right? Once you’ve been through a miscarriage though, that moment can plague you.
I have been haunted by nightmares of going through another miscarriage, and while I know others who have gone through the same heart break, I always feel so alone. When you wake up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat and tears streaming down your face, you feel alone. Each nightmare destroys me a little more, leaving me so fearful of another miscarriage. Another little one lost. I don’t think I could handle that again, I know I would be a total wreck beyond repair. All I can do in those moments are cry, and pray. I’ve prayed over and over again that I never have to go through that again, and that I will never have any one I know go through that heart break.
While others may not enjoy their pregnancies because of morning sickness or back ache, I didn’t enjoy my pregnancy with Evie because I was constantly worried that she would not stay with us. Even through labor and delivery I was fearful, especially when I was hearing that our baby’s heart rate is going down, and I’m having to give verbal consent for a c-section just in case. I don’t think I will ever get to enjoy being pregnant. I will always be praying and watching for movement, waiting to hear the heart beat. My pregnancy with my daughter was a long period of my holding my breath, fearful of what might happen.
Then there are other fears of having another little one join us that are also constantly plaguing our thoughts, and filling us with doubt and worry.
Will I be able to manage my time between two munchkins?
How do I make all the “firsts” special for the next one?
Will I be able to love them equally and just as wholeheartedly?
Will my oldest feel forgotten?
Will she hate us for having another kid?
How on earth do you get two or more kids to and from the car safely?
There are many many more things that run through my head as we think about the possibility of adding to our family. I know there are others who have been there before me – some how my mom got all 4 of us girls to and from the car and we all survived! – I guess I find myself still healing, and left to wonder. I am also realizing how much I still need to hand this all over to God and His perfect timing.
I am also sure there are other’s who may find themselves in my place where you are wondering about what it will be like to add another, and is it possible to ever enjoy a pregnancy after a miscarriage. Have you been there? Do you find yourself wondering about the same things?
Thank you thank you for this! I think everyone who has suffered miscarriage feels so alone in their fears, it’s just not talked about. I’ve suffered 6 consecutive, we have an amazing daughter by adoption but as I find myself in my 7th pregnancy there is no enjoyment in this, I wake up everyday thanking God I am still pregnant but it’s just a very scary and stressful time. Every complication reminds me of what I have to lose and every twinge/spotting/cramp throws me into a panic that I am miscarrying again. I hope once I get past the milestone of the farthest I have made it in a pregnancy that I can relax a bit more. Unlike for so many friends of mine who have been able to plan and have pregnancies progress so easily and without concern I don’t enjoy pregnancy. I don’t feel like I can ever joyfully announce that we are expecting to the world in cute photographs or videos online as others do because I have made that mistake before. I’m scared to have a shower or party to celebrate this time in my life because ‘what if something goes wrong?’ I wish I could relax and enjoy this experience but I just can’t get there, and not because of the horrible morning sickness lol!
Miscarriage is so very painful. I have not gone through it, but I have a friend who has. Thank you for being so transparent. Prayers for your peace of mind, and that you don’t get any more nightmares. All the best.
I had 2 miscarriages before I had 2 full term pregnancies. The thing that I learned was how I needed to give up any chance of feeling in control…because really, we are just along for the ride. Once I decided to enjoy and embrace each moment in the pregnancy, things switched for me. No matter what happened, another miscarriage at 12 weeks?, I was going to enjoy being connected to the pregnancy.
Now for the adding a second kid into your life…you will be amazed how it works. Having one child will seem so simple. What did you do with all your time? It’s funny how your views change as your life grows. Going from no children to one was huge but you did it and you will be able to add one more into the mix too.
I can’t imagine the pain of losing a baby. I do remember the stress and anxiety of pregnancy however, in a different way. My first was born with multiple, severe, life threatening heart defects. We were terrified to have our second, undergoing every test known to man. I also suffer from severe hyperemesis – throwing up 20+ times per day when not heavily medicated. I felt like I missed out on almost a year of my older daughters life because of my second pregnancy, and felt so guilty about it. Looking back. With my second now almost a year and a half old I am so very thankful we chose to have a second. You can not imagine the incredible joy and blessing of two sisters who love each other so purely. Their laughter, the sheer pleasure of being together is unimaginable. There are so many tough, difficult times but the good is so much better than you ever believed!
My first pregnancy ended in a miscarriage, I had a tough time dealing with it too. I was scared to get pregnant again and when I finally did, I was worried the while time. It really does get easier over time and just remember that we are strong and loved.
I’ve been through a similar experience. We lost our first son at 18 weeks gestation, then after months of sadness & counselling, I got pregnant again. I realized early on–the counselling helped me with this, I think–that I was trying to protect myself by not getting too attached, but I was missing out on the enjoyment of pregnancy. I realized that trying to stay detached wouldn’t make it hurt any less if I lost the next baby. But we didn’t. Linnaeus is four now. 🙂 I got pregnant again not long after we started trying for our next baby & found it less stressful after having gone through a pretty textbook pregnancy & birth with Linnaeus. Brontë arrived just before her due date, safe & sound. Her birth story is finally on the blog today, actually, just before her first birthday. 🙂
While I can’t comment on miscarriages, and deeply hope your fears diminish over time, I can speak to having two children.
I would say you could expect a second child to get less attention, but the same amount of love. I’ve never been one to make a huge deal out out of little life stuff and preserving every memory. What little I did do that with Calvin got even less with Victor, but I love them both so much. I don’t think making everything special is something you should lose sleep over. Your children will choose what is special to them and what memories they love.
And making it to the car…just take one at a time. 🙂 Or, Everly is getting old enough that she can learn to stay touching the car while you deal with a baby.