This is our the first ultrasound image we got to take home, when we were expecting our daughter Everly. I so wish I had been more forward and asked for the image when we saw our little one we lost at an early ultrasound. Sadly we did not, and do not have that image. I wish we did.
This day marks two years since we went through a miscarriage with our first pregnancy. My first post on my blog was all about the little one we will always remember, you can read it here. That was one of the hardest moments we have ever been through as a couple, if not the hardest.
Following the miscarriage, this day last year, and today I was, and always am overwhelmed with emotion and so many thoughts and questions. It’s hard to watch this week, the date specifically, come up on the calendar.
We had planned for that little one, that little one had found a place in our hearts and had already become a part of our little family. To be told The doctor you saw earlier could not see a heart beat, and we now cannot find the fetus floored us both. We had been making plans to announce our pregnancy to the rest of our family and friends that weekend, instead we were telling them other news and asking for their love, support, and prayer.
When the miscarriage was confirmed I broke into uncontrollable tears. I felt so out of control, and like I was falling apart. I felt like there was no way to put all the pieces back together again. Too many pieces shattered everywhere. The following weeks I went through some major emotional valleys, and ended up dealing with depression for a short span of time. There were just so many things that I went through. Everything from denial and holding onto a slim hope that maybe just maybe the doctors were wrong (but I knew otherwise). Putting myself in isolation from others, when I went back to work I got permission to work through my lunch so I could go home early and avoid the the lunchroom crowd who would be asking about how I was doing. I wasn’t ready for that. Anger that we had a miscarriage wondering why we were the ones that had to go through this, why we lost our child. I would crumble at the sight of my friends with their children, their babies, I could not handle it. I was resentful. It took over a month and a half before I could be around my friends and their children again and not burst into tears.
One day though, I put on a brave face and held my friends kids again. Those cuddles were just what I needed. Those little ones started to help put a smile back on my face. I had so much support, love, and prayer from people around me, some who had been in my shoes themselves. My husband was my rock, my strength through all of this. He wept when I wept. He gave me a hug when it was needed. All of the emotional roller coaster was needed to help with healing. I needed to mourn the loss of my baby. All of this slowly put the pieces of my heart back into place, and put it back together again.
I wonder about what any other pregnancies will be like. We found out a few months later that we were expecting again. That whole pregnancy was spent in fear. I didn’t ever enjoy being pregnant. Every day I was so worried that something was wrong. We had a few trip to the hospital during the second pregnancy, to make sure everything was okay. Always afraid. I don’t think I will ever “enjoy” being pregnant, I’ll always experience pregnancy with a constant sense of worry and fear.
Since having been through a miscarriage I find myself praying often that none of my friends, or family will ever have to experience this pain and go through this same grief. This baby did bring us hope, joy, and love. That pregnancy touched our lives, and impacted us greatly. We will probably always be grieving a little. We will always remember, and honour the memory of the little one we lost, little Ehren. We will never forget. This day will always be a very special, and important family day to us.
This is the photo we shared when we got to the 12 week mark when expecting our daughter Everly. I was so frightened, and so excited. It meant more people would know and be praying for us during the second pregnancy once they knew.
Dates like these are forever imprinted in our minds. It’s amazing how much you can love and be connected to a little person you never actually got to hear their first cry or watch them search for your breast. Things like that hurt the most because there never will be those times…Grief is journey and I am sure you have found it has shaped you in ways you could not have foreseen over these past two years because your baby still impacts you every day though he is not here on earth. You have a beautiful and strong spirit, Tamara.
Sharing these personal moments will surely help countless others through unimaginably difficult times. Thank you for your story.
Thanks for sharing your story. I think that the topic of pregnancy loss is sometimes not something that is shared openly, which I find so sad. I had 2 miscarriages before I had my 2 babies and it really shook my world. It always felt better to hear about other peoples experience with miscarriage.
Thanks so much for sharing you story.
What a powerful story. I’m sitting here in a coffee shop with tears in my eyes. While I can never know your pain personally, my sister in law experienced 2 late pregnancy still births, and my heart broke for her as it does for you. You are such an incredibly strong person!
Thank you for sharing your story. As hard as it must have been to talk about it in the first place, your words will help other women who experience loss to not feel so alone.