I’ve found myself asking the question “Is this the last moment?” a lot recently. I’m constantly pondering if I’ve entered the final, fleeting moments with my youngest daughter. I’m constantly contemplating if I am missing it. I’m terrified that the final moment will happen and I won’t be there. I am trying to enjoy the moments all at the same time. We are not 100% certain if Addie is our last baby but I’ve been going through her first year with the heart and mindset that she just might be. I’ve found myself trying to soak up every last instant.
So many questions have crossed my mind during her first year…
Is this the last day I will ever be pregnant?
Is this the last time I will experience labor?
Is this the last time I will hold a newborn that is my own?
Is this final moment that she will nurse? (This one came up lots as breastfeeding is a struggle for both of us)
Will she wear this outfit again or has she grown out of it?
Is this the last “first” milestone we get to experience for walking, eating, sleeping, etc…?
Will she fall asleep in my arms one more time or do I soak up every second of this moment?
This is just some of the list that has been running constantly through my mind. As Addie continues to grow up more things are being added, while others are removed because the last moment did happen. I am finding that I am struggling through this period of time with the fact that she may our last baby. That we may not experience these precious moments again.
The other night Addie would not go to sleep in her crib. She would fall asleep instantly in our arms but the second we put her down she woke up. She has not done this since she was a few months old. Instead of being frustrated that my evening routine was not going as planned I stopped and got comfy in the rocking chair in her room and snuggled with her.
I soaked up every last minute of her wanting to sleep in my arms. There’s something so special about watching a baby as they settle down, close their eyes, and snuggle in close to fall asleep. That sigh they let out as they enter a deep sleep and distinctive breathing pattern that lets you know they have finally nodded off to dreamland in your arms.
Those times where Addie has gone to sleep in my arms have become some of my favourite. I also have memories with Evie with her sleeping in my arms that are dear to me. I have how they look while sleeping in my arms memorised from taking the time to engrave it into my memory. These are moments I do not want to forget. Perhaps that is why the first and the last moments are so important to me.
It’s all bittersweet, her firsts may also be lasts for us. Time is going so fast and it’s incredible to see both of our girls grow. It’s just crazy the mix of emotions that I’m going through as I watch them grow. Where was the warning about this emotional rollercoaster my fellow mamas? My heart is heavy with sadness but full with joy all at the same time. It’s the oddet thing.
For now, I will continue savouring everything. The baby clothing is still being packed up but items have been packed up into keepsake boxes for both of the girls. Some will be put away to save – just in case. I will keep rocking my daughter to sleep in my arms until she decides she does not need it any more. I know a day will come when she will not longer fall asleep there. I will commit my time to both of my girls. Other things can wait just like the quote below says. My girls deserve all of my attention and time.
The cleaning and scrubbing can wait til tomorrow, for children grow up as I’ve learned to my sorrow. So quiet down cobwebs. Dust go to sleep. I’m rocking my baby, and babies don’t keep.
We know Poppy is our last baby so I’ve been soaking up the “lasts” since the day she was born. Definitely bittersweet.
Yep. I always wanted lots of kids (I used to joke about a dozen) but because of a few things that have happened over the last few months, that’s probably changing. I’ve now boxed up and given away all my maternity clothes and all the clothes that Pearl (almost 1) has outgrown. It’s bittersweet. Storing all that stuff took up a ton of space, so it’s nice to have it gone (we have a small place). At the same time, there’s sooooo many memories attached to all those clothes! Many of them we’ve had since my oldest was a baby, so all four of my girls have worn the same outfits. I remember them learning to walk in this dress or going to a certain place in that romper. I keep telling myself, “Let it go, let it go…” 🙂 So yes, all the feels. 🙁
I’ve always wanted four, but my husband says no more…. 🙁 🙁 Makes me sad… my daughter (the youngest) is only one and I already have baby fever again!
THEFOREVERTEACHER
I’m experiencing all of the lasts with my baby who is currently 3 months. It’s so bittersweet. While I know I’m going to miss these moments, I’m looking forward to the next season of our lives.
I feel tears coming. It’s so sad. I feel like it coul keep going and going. Totally understand now why some people have 12 kids. But I just can’t do more than 3 😂😝
Oh my goodness!!! I am not a mother and far from becoming one but your baby girl is sooo precious.
I can totally relate to all those emotions and feeling you have had. I loved being pregnant and having a baby and I feel like I wasn’t finished … but circumstances decided I was! lol But in the end I have two wonderful kids to love and I can’t complain! 🙂 🙂
Im going through the same thing right now. Parenting is just one contradiction aftet another… all his firsts are my lasts.
Oh how I wish there were a replay button in our brains. Those times we didn’t quite soak in the first time, with the bottom we could.
Oh my gosh I have SO been there!!! I thought all those thoughts with my last “last” baby ❤ aaaaaand now we’re adopting another one 😜
Everytime I think I’m ok with my youngest being the last, I have a moment of bittersweet sadness like you’ve mentioned. It’s so tough to know when you’re done, and to truly find peace with the decision.
Awwww, I can relate! I have two but I want more!!! My husband says we’re done, but we shall see! I love enjoying every little moment I can with my little ones, time flies.
Oh goodness mama, this made me cry. We just celebrated my last babies first birthday and I’m still dealing with the feelings of her getting so big and so quick. I’m trying to hold on to all those moments and burn them into my brain.
My heart!! This is such a delicate subject. Such a heartfelt tribute to motherhood!!!
Oh I love this. I am going through the same thing. I have 2 girls but we’ve been thinking about trying for a boy…but I’m just torn. Love this post mama!