The never ending looks. The side glances my way. You think I do not notice you, yes you with your judging eyes. Some of you are brave enough to make a comment to me, others your eye roll says enough, and speaks a thousand hurtful words. Casting shame on me. Will you not just let me feed my baby in peace?
It seems I cannot win. It does not matter if I am breastfeeding, or bottle feeding my child. Either way I find myself made to feel like I am a horrible mother making the worst choice possible for my child. Made to feel guilty for attempting to breastfeed while out and about, or seeing the mortified looks of those around me that I am giving my baby a bottle.
You do not know my story, my story that is intertwined with my children.
Like many mothers before me I wanted to do what was best for my child. I’d heard countless times how breast was best, it’s the natural way. Some how I just knew that things were not going to be easy for me. When my firstborn arrived I had the nurse in every time attempting to help my daughter and I. My husband went running out to get different things to try and improve the situation, but nothing was working. My daughter was crying out, and in my gut I knew she was hungry. Her little cry begging for milk. I asked for a pump and gave her what little came from a small cup, but still she cried. By the early hours of morning we asked for some formula, and she finally settled. This was the beginning of our very challenging feeding relationship.
Between reflux, and a tongue tie every time of nursing, and every bottle feeding was full of frustration for us all. What mattered most to us was her health, and happiness. Things did not stop there though. My milk supply was nonexistent to begin with. I ended up on medication to try and help, and it did a little. I was able to pump some milk for her to have, and I did so for 16 months. While she may not have been able to breastfeed like some babies, she did get milk from me for over a year. She also had formula because I had to supplement her feeds. It took a long time for me to be okay with that. I had a very difficult time knowing, and seeing others could breast feed their child. My baby was happy, healthy, and growing.
With the arrival of my second daughter I was not sure what to expect, I figured that it was very likely things would be similar to last time. Add in that fact that I had surgery to remove a mass from my breast a year before, and I worried that I may not be able to provide at all on one side. My whole pregnancy I prayed that my child would not suffer through reflux, or have a tongue tie, and that my baby would be able to latch without a problem. How happy was I upon her arrival when all she wanted to do was feed. She was placed on me for skin-to-skin time and she nursed for most of the first day. Then that cry, that all too familiar cry started. She was hungry. There was no doubt about what she wanted, what she needed. We asked for formula, and she was fed her first bottle by her Daddy. Happy, and full.
My youngest is now 4 months, and my milk supply is worse than last time. I am on the same medication to try and help increase my supply, but at this point it’s really just trying to maintain any milk at all. My daughter does like to nurse, and for that I am so thankful. She will feed, and be full first thing in the morning, and again in the afternoon. Throughout the day I will still try to feed her, but she does need a bottle with formula to supplement. I am also still pumping in hopes of providing some milk for her to have in bottles too… if I am able to pump anything that is. I’ve cried many times over spilled milk because I have been so tired while trying to pump.
You find yourself at a place where you have to make a choice for what is best for all of you. I’ve made that choice and I am happy doing breastfeeding, pumping, and bottle feeding. The truth is that as a mom I am doing everything I possibly can for my child in order to feed her. Dear fellow moms that are struggling, and soon to be moms who are worrying just follow your gut instincts and what you feel is best for you and your little one. That might mean you keep trying to breastfeed for months, and seek help from specialists and lactation consultants. Do it! Perhaps you have to exclusively pump. Maybe you do that for a month. Maybe you are able to do that for over a year. If you have give your baby a bottle of formula right away, that is perfectly fine too. Trust yourself, you will know what to do, and what your baby needs. It’s amazing to me how much my gut instincts have been right about what my child needs when it comes to feeding. I will always enjoy, and remember the quiet moments where I sit feeding my child.
To all of you that keep passing glances at me… would you PLEASE just me feed my baby in peace?
This is perfect. Thank you for saying what all us nursing mommas want to say! My youngest is almost 3 months and the glances and words said when feeding your sweet babe can cut through the heart. I don’t think people realize how crazy they sound when they judge a mother for FEEDING her baby! Keep at it momma! Your doing a fantastic job, just do what you have to do for you 🙂
Thank you for sharing! I struggled with low milk supply when my son was born and remember feeling like it was the end of the world and that I was a huge failure when I had to give him some formula. Since then I’ve learned that low milk supply and supplementing is pretty common. I wish I’d heard more stories like yours at that time. Ignore those looks and comments – you are doing what’s best for you and your beautiful daughter!
Love this post and those gorgeous pictures, Tamara! (Black and whites are always the bomb!) I agree that you have to make parenting choices that are best for your family. I feel like everyone is so preoccupied with what everyone else is doing these days. Cheers and blessings to your lovely family. xo
Wow – great story! I also struggled with low milk supply and I was lucky to have the professional support that helped me get my supply back however, I know sometimes our body just won’t respond to what we ask for and we need to make the best decision for our families.
No matter what we do as mothers, people will always judge! its crazy! Beautiful post! 🙂
Swear moms will just always get judged, no matter what we do. Wish people would Just relax and let us moms do our thing!
Totally get this! Hot topic for me. I see so many moms struggling with feeding and it breaks my heart. So thankful for my awesome friend who saw me really not enjoying breast feeding my preemie and suggested I try pumping. It was so great! I didnt really know it was an option. I pumped for over 15 months with my first baby and 9 with my second (and then went on to formula because of some health issues). I had loads of negative comments and suggestions..but I was happy just pumping away. 🙂
Beautiful. Every momma deserves to feed her baby in peace. If we can be flashed pornographic images and giant boobs in window displays of Victoria’s Secret, we can handle a mother naturally feeding her baby with her breasts.
Every baby is different. I breastfeed and definitely feel uncomfortable all the time because of it, but it sounds like every mom does, which is seriously awful. Thank you for sharing this post and building other moms up!!
Such beautiful photos, and a beautiful message. This is great food for thought. 🙂
A beautiful post. I struggled with my first with breastfeeding and also pumped, tried breastfeeding, and supplemented. I beat myself up about it for 5 weeks, dreading the minutes until feeding time. At 5 weeks I finally decided to give into bottle feeding fully and I was never happier. I finally could enjoy and feed my baby in peace. Now my second baby is due in 2 months and I am determined to not let myself be beat up in any way for however I end up feeding this baby. Yes – let us simply feed in peace!
It’s things like this public breastfeeding debate that really bother me about humans in general. Like, why is it a problem if someone is feeding their baby in public? YOU DON’T HAVE TO LOOK. Seriously. Shut up, leave her alone, and go about your business. It’s not like she took off her shirt and swung her boobs around first-idiots.
Sorry, it really riles me up, and I’m not even a mother. lol
Yes you can just feed your baby how ever works best for you! It’s kinda pathetic how some people make it such a big deal. It doesn’t even affect them in any way! Keep up the hard work!
I enjoyed your post. I don’t think any parents should judge each other. There is so much pressure to breast feed and those to whom it comes easily often assume it is the mother’s fault if she cannot do it. She “must not be drinking enough water or getting enough rest or consuming enough fenugreek.” I faced these reactions when it was finally decided I didn’t have enough milk ducts after seeing 6 lactation specialists.
Amen! Love this post, you go momma 🙂
You’re doing a great job! Every little bit counts. xo
Great perspective and thanks for sharing it. For the life of me, I cannot understand why this is something people have to be at odds about. You are damned if you do and damned if you don’t. Someone is always going to find fault with what you’re doing and that is such a shame. You’re doing great, mama.
You are preaching to the choir here, sister! I am all for FEEDING no matter by breast or by bottle. It should not matter as long as you and your baby are healthy and happy! Keep up the great work.
I think it’s so rude, it’s no one’s business how you feed your children. I almost dare people to say something to me while I bf in public without a cover *gasp!* You really can’t win either way. That being said, good on you Tamara for continuing to try and give what you can. Nothing wrong with formula, but I know how much I hate the pump and would really struggle with that.
After watching friends and family go crazy trying to breastfeed only, we tried not to go there (as the mom I wasn’t always so successful). We had a rocky start with a tongue tie and in the end, did both breastfeeding and supplementing through out the first year. He was happy and healthy and that is
Ugh, I hate people who do that! For medical reasons (I was on psychiatric medications), I could not breastfeed my child, and there were people who seemed genuinely upset over that. It’s like, um, it’s MY baby, isn’t it?
Got sick and almost lost my milk supply with my first and only formula settled her. I wish at the time someone had the guts to tell me that was ok so I wasn’t beating myself up. For my second child I had an emergency c-section and picked up an infection in the hospital so my milk didn’t come in until day 6. I was told if I didn’t start bottle feeding they would not release him from the hospital. Such an emotional time. It was so not an easy decision. If only we were told whatever works is what is best.
Thank you for sharing! I wish more mothers talked about their struggles with breastfeeding and raising children in general. We all need to lift each other up in trying times.