To my husband,
The past months have been challenging, not just for me, but for you too. Since our daughter was born, things have been difficult. I know I have been very different from the woman you know and love. You’ve been by my side, each step of the way.
Thank you.
I thought I was not going to go through this again. Things seemed better. We did things differently. We kept our newborn daughter to ourselves so that we could soak up every second of the time that goes past so quickly. We got up during the night together, and I did not feel alone during the middle of the night feedings. I felt so good. I was head over heels in love with our daughter. Everything just seemed right, like it had fallen perfectly into place.
Then the three month mark struck, and it was like I hit full force into a wall. I did not see this coming. I guess in some ways I did, I was watching for it. Everything crumbled. I fell to pieces. Leaving you standing there, unsure of what to do, how to help me, and desperately wanting to put me back together. Back to me. Back to your wife. Back to the mother of your children. Here we were again, my being in a battle with postpartum depression. It consumed me. Taking your wife with it.
Who was this person that was left behind?
Not your wife. Not the mother of your children. Or so it seemed. Little things infuriated me. Little things opened the flood gates of tears and so much sorrow. Our oldest noticed right away something was not right with mommy. Asking constantly “Mommy, are you happy?” . My dear sweet daughter can read me like a book, she’s always been able to. My poor girl was wondering what had happened to her mommy. How do you explain to your child what is going on.
I felt disconnected from everyone. You. Our daughters. When I should have been giving our girls hugs and kisses, all I wanted was to curl up in bed and sleep. When I should have been wanting to spend every moment with my family, I was wanting to run away from all of you. It was so hard feeling like I was being pulled in two directions. Wanting to spend every waking second with my girls, and you, but also wanting to be anywhere but there. To go from an out pouring of love, to a raging monster in a split second was destroying me. It was hurting us.
I knew I needed to seek help this time. There was no getting through this on my own. No waiting to see if it was just the baby blues. I knew. It was time to go to the doctor, to discuss options. It was time to get me back. After a lengthy conversation about everything that was going on, it was confirmed (though we already knew it) that I was deep in postpartum depression. This time we made the decision for me to try medication. What a difference it made within a week, and more so over a month.
I’m feeling like myself again.
During all of this you have been by my side. You have been the incredible source of support I needed through all of this. It’s through moments like this that I am so thankful to have your by my side. You are my better half. You’ve held me as I’ve sat wailing on the bed. You’ve helped me calm down during the sporadic moments of fury. You’ve made sure I do not miss any of the moments in our family. From watching our girls play together, our oldest showing so much joy in colouring a picture, to our youngest giggling for the first time. While I do feel robbed of the early months with our daughter, thanks to you I do not feel like I have completely missed out.
When there are times that the anxiety, sorrow, and rage still consume me you are there for me. You love me unconditionally. I hope you know that I understand that this period in our life together has been trying on you too. I cannot thank you enough for standing by me. Thank you for not giving up on me, on us. Holding my hand through all of this. Being the strength I need. The voice of reason. For praying for me every day. Praying for us. While there are times I may not be outwardly loving towards you, and our girls. Please know that it’s in those times I love you all the most. You are getting me through this. Without you I wouldn’t be where I am today. I see the light at the end of this trying tunnel of PPD. We are getting there honey. We are getting there together. I never would have imagined that we would have found ourselves going through this together, and going through this twice. I cannot thank you enough for being exactly what I needed each day. While you cannot fix me, you have been my constant during all of this.
Thank you so much, for everything.
I love you so much.
Wow, sounds so familiar. I’m so happy you had someone by your side to help you through. And SO glad you are feeling better!
I am so sorry to hear you are going through this for a second time! You are very lucky to have a supportive hubby and I am glad you are starting to see the light and I hope you feel 100% very soon! I am sure you are going to help lots of momma’s by sharing your story!
I unfortunately knew this feeling. So happy you have your hubby there to help guide you through this. The right support can make all the difference
I’ve struggle with this for the last 10 years. However unlike you I didn’t have support from my spouse. You’re are incredible lucky to have a person to support you in this. That’s amazing! Having a good support system when you’re struggling makes it a bit easier. Sending you my thoughts & prayers!
If you could see it now I would give you a standing ovation for this post!! I have been there too and I am rooting for you mama!! It’s the hardest thing when you feel disconnected from even yourself. You did the right thing and asked for help! And you’re opening up about it. So proud of you! Mwhoa!
Beautiful letter to your husband. How wonderful that you support each other and lift each other up in hard times. I am sure each day will have you feeling better and better!
Thanks for sharing. There is so much power in being vulnerable. It allows other women and mothers to open up about their struggles. You are a brave momma and wife! You are not alone!
I am not a mother, and have never had postpartum depression. But i have been through regular depressions, and I am glad you were able to get help so quickly. Thank you for sharing your honest journey, it empowers others to strive through rough patches, and I appreciate that.
Postpartum Depression is so difficult and so many relationships suffer and fail because of it. I find this article so hopeful. It gives me hope that their are supportive spouses, it gives me hope that you asked for help and it gives me hope that when properly treated people can continue to enjoy life and thrive.
Thank you for sharing your story! I struggled with postpartum depression after my 2nd and I was afraid to even talk about it. You’re allowing others to feel more able to share their stories.
How wonderful not only that you were able to attack it head on, but also that you are sharing this story to help others.
Thank you for sharing this. My 2nd daughter left me with no testosterone. I had no control over my emotions other than anger or sadness. Thank you for some insight into your personal struggles. This was very well written.
I love how open and raw you are in this post. Good for you to be actively working to combat the depression. Thank you for sharing!
I really appreciate your openness. Post partum depression was hard on me, but I couldn’t begin to imagine how my other half felt going through the experience as an outsider.
Such a lonely experience. Glad you are feeling better.
This was so so so haunting and beautiful.
That’s what love is – always there.
Stunning, and glad you hear you are getting better.
xoxo
Krista
http://www.hundredblog.com
Beautiful! I love that your husband is by your side, not everyone has that. PostPartum Depression is so often shoved to the side, thank you for shedding light and continue to smile through it and get better!
How amazing that you had someone who tried to understand you. That is what it is all about. Many men do not even make it that far before calling it quits.
I can empathize with you. I’ve had a rough time myself since the birth of my son. It is amazing to have someone to stand with us thought, to not feel alone.
Good for you for being open about this trying time in your life and in your marriage! So glad you’re feeling more like yourself!
This. I am currently in the trenches and reading this is exactly my life. I had a milder case of PPD with my first but am a much more difficult time with my second. I thank the universe everyday to have my wonderful husband standing by me during the darkest phase of my life. Its hard on us moms but I can’t imagine how hard it is on our partners who stand by feeling helpless as well.
My days are currently dark but hearing stories about those who have made it out give me hope when I feel like there isn’t any. So thank you for sharing this. I hope you and your family are in a better place in your lives. Love to you, your incredible partner and your kids.
What a moving letter to your husband. So glad you are coming out on the other side.