January 20, 2012. Friday night, I’d gone to watch Jason play hockey. Something just was not feeling right, I’d started to have what felt like cramps. I waited til the end of the game to tell Jason what was going on, we decided to go to the hospital to have everything checked. It was the most agonizing process checking in and having to wait to see a doctor for hours.
January 21, 2012.During the wait I had blood drawn, my heart rate was checked, and many other standard procedures. Jason walked to Tim Horton’s to get us some food, it was about 5am now and we were both hungry. We got to eat our early morning breakfast before seeing the doctor finally.
The doctor proceeded to do an ultrasound on a portable machine. I was quickly told that he could not see the baby’s heart clear enough so he would schedule an urgent ultrasound on the other machines at the hospital, but I’d have to wait for a phone call to tell me when to come in. We were sent home, now concerned more than before for our little one.
I waited on the couch for the phone call. Jason had gone out when the call came and he had to come home to pick me up and we rushed back out to the hospital. Again we went through the process of my being poked and prodded for standard procedures, before I was sent finally for the ultrasounds. The technician did not say anything, which is normal they do not tend to talk a whole lot.
More waiting, this time waiting for the doctor to come and talk to us.
The doctor you saw earlier could not see a heart beat, and we now cannot find the fetus, the doctor said.
Fetus… that word will always seem so harsh to me. That was our baby, we’d heard a beating heart earlier in my pregnancy, that wonderful sound was no longer there.
We left the hospital devastated. I had not stopped crying since the words came out of the doctors mouth. Jason joined me when we got to the car and called my family to let them know we had lost the baby. We went to a friends house where they prayed with us.
I spent a week at home either curled up in bed, or huddled under a blanket on the couch. I cried, and I cried some more. Jason was a huge source of strength for me during this time. Many didn’t know what to say to us, there is nothing to say. I am so thankful for those who did reach out to us. We felt loved and supported during this heart breaking time.
We decided to give our little one a name. For some reason, since we started dating, we have always liked “E” names, we wanted something gender neutral. Ehren. We named our little one we lost Ehren. It means honor, or honorable. We have chosen to always honor the memory of little Ehren. Picking a name has helped us with the healing process. “He said to them, “Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these. Truly I tell you, anyone who will not receive the kingdom of God like a little child will never enter it.” And he took the children in his arms, placed his hands on them and blessed them.” (Mark 10:14-16) These verses go through our mind daily. “Before I formed you in the womb I knew you.” (Jeremiah 1:5)
It was hard for me for about a month and a half to be around babies and children. I felt such a strong hole in my heart when I saw them that I would start sobbing instantly. Eventually I was able to be around them again, I was able to hold my friends 5 month old and not feel resentment because I would no longer be holding my little one in the months to come.
We still have pain that lingers with us from the miscarriage. Not a day goes by that we do not think about our little one that should have been with us. People may no longer see the pain that still lingers, but it is still there, though it may have faded a bit over time. It is a permanent pain that will always be there. We will always remember the little one we lost around January 21, 2012.
It was after our loss that others shared with us that it had happened to them too. I’d never heard anyone really talk about it before. I am so thankful they did. With their honesty and openness to us, Jason and I decided we would not be silent about what happened we would share our story with others. We weren’t alone, others understood what we were going through. However, so few are willing to talk about miscarriage. There are so many emotions that come with a miscarriage, feelings of isolation and doubt, questioning if you did something wrong.
If you have been through a miscarriage I want you to know that it was not your fault, and that you are not alone. Talk about it, be open and honest, it will help the healing process. If you need someone to share with, to talk to, or simply to cry with please do not hesitate to contact me. This happens to so many of us, we lose those little heartbeats, little lives that were only meant to be with us for a short time.
Beautifully written Tamara 🙂