I want my daughter’s first year back. I want both of my daughter’s first years back. Postpartum depression took that time from me with both of them. PPD stole the first year with my baby.
How I wish I could take that time back, to do things over. Sadly it’s not possible. So here I am left feeling robbed, and cheated of that precious first year. You cannot turn back the clock, and now I have this awareness that in a blink of an eye I have missed out on so much.
I blinked. You get warned not to blink, but I did. I blinked and both of my girls grew up before my eyes.
This time round dealing with PPD has been an even greater battle. I’ve had both incredible support and deplorable support. I’ve had those who have stood by my side and encourage me through it all, and those who have stabbed me in the heart because they don’t understand, and parted ways. My depression has been a hundred times worse this go round.
I’d give anything to go back to the first month. I want the chance to soak up those newborn moments, to breathe in that intoxicating newborn smell. You know that scent, the one that is almost like honey but is so distinctive to each baby. I want to relive the late night cuddle sessions that were needed to get my girls to sleep, and not spend it sobbing the entire time. I want to make absolutely no plans and just stay at home with my baby.
If only I had taken more photos, perhaps I wouldn’t feel so disconnected. I feel like I’ve missed everything, that it all those months just rushed past me leaving me in the dust as my child grew up before my very eyes. Maybe that is why I have attempted to take more photos the second time around so that I have a reference point for all the moments. Yet I still find myself disoriented.
Minutes, hours, days, weeks, months… all gone.I am starting to feel more like myself, more like the person I am and should always be, but I only have a small amount of time before my second daughter’s first year of life moves into the second. I’m not ready. My heart is aching to know where the first year went. It hurts to constantly have this sense of having been removed from the first year.
I was on the outside trying to get even just the slightest glimpse in.
I am starting to feel more like myself, more like the person I am and should always be, but I only have a small amount of time before my second daughter’s first year of life moves into the second year. I’m not ready. My heart is aching to know where the first year went. It hurts to constantly have this sense of having been so far removed from the first year.
This year should have been incredible, and yes it was for the most part, but it should have been so much more. It shouldn’t be filled with numerous moments of my struggling. Sure my being a mother is not defined by PPD, it sure has left its lasting, damaging mark.
There are those moments though where I am left with a glimmer of hope. My daughter flashes a smile at me when I walk in the room to pick her up from her crib in the morning. I will get down on the floor and play. I am no longer afraid to go out with just my girls. Yes, the anxiety is still there, but I am overcoming it. I am winning this battle.I will have victory over it, but I still want the first year with my baby back. I want a do-over without PPD.
I will have victory over postpartum depression, but I still want the first year with my baby back. I want to go back in time and enjoy all the moments and make memories that do not revolve around my sorrow. I want both of my girls to remember that first year with happy moments. Some say to me that children do not remember that far back, I do. If my girls are anything like me they will too.
Here I am. Here we are as a family again. My youngest daughter will be one in a few months. Where did the time go? I only just feel like I am getting to enjoy this miraculous first year. I will do my best to make the most of this precious time that means so much to me.
Hugs to you mama! I feel much the same way, and it’s so hard not to feel personally responsible for not “soaking it up enough.” But you’re a warrior – you’ll get through this and your daughters will always remember your unwavering love
You’ll be a fantastic Mama. I can tell. Try not to let it get you down
Hugs to you! Those feelings are so hard to comprehend and to deal with when you have little ones to care for. I experience that same anxiety, and I fight hard to overcome. Your strength is inspiring. You will reclaim it!
I can completely relate to this in every way. I suffered a severe form of postpartum psychosis and was hospitalized for 10 days following my son’s birth. It took me months to recover. A lot of people don’t understand what PPD is all about and think you can just pull yourself out of it if you choose. You’re doing amazing just by talking about it. Hang in there. You did it. You survived!
Thank you for sharing your journey with PDD. I am currently going through pre partum depression, which I didn’t know was even a thing. I hope my symptoms do not translate over to after the baby is born. It is important to spread the word and awareness on these topics 🙂 be strong momma!
PPD took stole the first year of my youngest’s life. I look back at pictures and remember nothing but the fog of anger and sadness. Thank you for sharing your story. You are not alone.
I understand how it feels like having PPD. I know it will never be that easy to deal with it but i’m pretty sure you’ll be one amazing mama. Hugs and kisses.
Hugs to you – and I appreciate your candor! This is a very important topic and you have helped other women struggling by sharing your journey! Thanks for that!
So sorry you experienced this. The good news is you are helping others. Sometimes our worst wound is our greatest gift.
Hugs! You have many more years to enjoy with them. Thank you for being so open about your PPD. You are allowing other moms to feel less alone.
I am sorry that you had to go through this. I remember dealing with this when my daughter was little. I did better with my boys but I knew that I needed help after I gave birth. With my youngest, I was given a low dose of Zoloft at my 6 weeks check up. My hormones were a mess.
Wow such an inspiring post. You will surely have victory over PPD. Thanks for sharing your experience for those going through the same thing. Sending you virtual hugs!
Girl!!! It’s bitter sweet because the more time that ppaasses, the better you will feel but at the same time the more time your baby will grow bigger. It’s all about perspective. I look at it like this, babies won’t remember anything until they are 2-3. That’s how I survived deployment away from my 2 year old. It really is all just in your head. You just have to make the time count when you have them and look forward not backwards! Xoxoxoxo I know a lot of moms can relate to this post!!!! I sure did 🙂
-Malissa
The moment I saw this title, I knew I had to read it since I posted about the same thing today. I can’t believe almost a year has gone by. I wish I could have enjoyed those moments more! thank you for sharing!
Walking in Memphis in High Heels
PPD is something that I’ve struggled with as well. It’s tough but just know that your kids have so many more milestones to go through. Hang in there mama. You are not alone in this.
http://www.flashesofdelight.com
So sorry mama! I think I’ve had this too and I’ll be looking into more help next time around. I feel regret for not having treasured more moments with my toddler too. I’m sure your daughters love you so much!
Lots of love your way! I too struggled with PPD and depression on and off my whole life. Its something people don’t understand about me because I’m the totally happy go lucky, positive, cheerleader type. I’m glad we live in a day where its ‘okay’ to talk about and admit. Great post!
XOXO
Your Redlocks and Shamrocks Girl,
Lisa Doyle
http://www.redlocksandshamrocks.com
Thank you for sharing your story. Having one kiddo is hard and then adding a second to that mix seems to make things even that much harder. Best wishes for conquering anxiety and claiming back YOU! One day at a time!
I am so sorry you had to go through this, I too have PPD. It is the most exhausting and wasting thing thats ever happened to me. You WILL overcome!
The fact that you can share this story shows your strength…one step at a time…you can do this!