For me, this pregnancy has been a bit of an emotional roller coaster. With having gone through miscarriages I have had that lurking in the back of my mind. You never forget what happened. When I saw the word pregnant show up on my at home test I was over come with so much joy, and thankfulness, but I was also swallowed up by fear.
I didn’t tell Jason right away. I found out in the morning and headed off to work. When I got home, Jason said he needed the car to run out and get some groceries. Perfect! When Evie woke from her nap, I put her into her “Big Sister” tshirt. We waited for him to get home. As soon as he opened the door Evie went running to him and Jason’s eyes popped out of his head and filled with elation as he read her shirt. His first question was “Really?”. We celebrated together as a little family that day.
We did decided to share the news with some immediate family members, and a few friends. These people made up our prayer and support team as we counted down the weeks. Waiting to get to that supposed magic number. My doctor had me do a stretch of blood work for several days, she wanted to make sure that everything was looking as it should and that my hormone levels were increasing. Lucky me, I ended up with a massive bruise and some leaked blood into the layers of skin. The blood work has continued, I went last week for another round of blood work for other things. I seriously think this is the most blood I have ever had taken from me in my life so far.
Going for the dating ultrasound had us filled with nerves. We feared an experience like our last trip for an ultrasound. We were praying the whole time that it would be filled with good news, not bad. We all went in wearing Strength on our shirts. The ultrasound tech was great, and as soon as she found the baby and the heartbeat she let me see. After a few minutes of getting all the details needed, Jason and Evie got to join me. I will always remember Evie proudly proclaiming “baby, it’s a baby” when she saw the little baby on the screen.
With my first pregnancy, and with Evie I had a physical done with the prenatal doctor very early. Both times it caused problems. This time I waited. I was still worried, doubtful, and I didn’t want to call and book and appointment with the prenatal doctor and have it be a waste of her time. The thought of a miscarriage still was hitting me hard. I finally booked my appointment around 13 weeks along. I booked with the doctor who delivered Evie, she even remembered me and Evie’s birth story. This set me at ease right away… it’s been 2 years since I’ve been in there! The doctor found a strong heart beat right away on the doppler, and did again at my visit the following week for my physical check up. This time there were no problems after it. I was so thankful. God was answering prayers left, right, and centre.
The first trimester it was so difficult, it still is a bit, to not worry. We are doing our best to not let our fears consume us. We are trying to hand it all over to God, and trust Him. Doing that has helped put us at ease. I still don’t think I will ever actually, fully enjoy being pregnant. Certain thoughts will always cross my mind. I will always worry more than others. I may even have a few more visits to the doctors than most… and that is okay.
For now we continue to pray for this baby, and look forward to October. We are hoping, and praying that he or she comes early in October, and we are even already praying about the delivery that all goes well. We are even praying that this little one will be a great sleeper like Evie. We are also praying that I won’t suffer through joint/pelvic pain again, that my headaches/migraines will stop, and that the dental-whoas that have come this time round will stop promptly. We’d really appreciate, and are so thankful for your continued support. Next up-date will either be in a couple weeks, or we may wait til week 20 when we have our detailed ultrasound, and hopefully find out if baby is a boy or a girl.
I will keep you in my prayers! I understand the fear. My first son was born at 30 weeks because I developed pre-eclampsia and they had to deliver him to save both of us. When I got pregnant with our second child, I was worried it would happen again. My doctor monitored me very closely and I had no problems. My second son was born on his due date weighing 9 lbs!
I also understand of the fear and uncertainty of a pregnancy after a miscarriage. Two days before our second son turned 1 year old, we found out that I was pregnant again. Sadly we only knew for one day before I had a miscarriage. It was a difficult time. Life went on and we had a surprise around Easter of the same year. I was pregnant with our rainbow baby! The miscarriage did suck some of the joy out of the experience. Praying and reading our Bible helped.
I still worried about the possibility of a miscarriage with our 4th child as well. Trusting God and leaning on his truths got me through the fear,
Psalm 139 (NIV)
For the director of music. Of David. A psalm.
1 You have searched me, Lord,
and you know me.
2 You know when I sit and when I rise;
you perceive my thoughts from afar.
3 You discern my going out and my lying down;
you are familiar with all my ways.
4 Before a word is on my tongue
you, Lord, know it completely.
5 You hem me in behind and before,
and you lay your hand upon me.
6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
too lofty for me to attain.
7 Where can I go from your Spirit?
Where can I flee from your presence?
8 If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
9 If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
if I settle on the far side of the sea,
10 even there your hand will guide me,
your right hand will hold me fast.
11 If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me
and the light become night around me,”
12 even the darkness will not be dark to you;
the night will shine like the day,
for darkness is as light to you.
13 For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
15 My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place,
when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
16 Your eyes saw my unformed body;
all the days ordained for me were written in your book
before one of them came to be.
17 How precious to me are your thoughts,[a] God!
How vast is the sum of them!
18 Were I to count them,
they would outnumber the grains of sand—
when I awake, I am still with you.
19 If only you, God, would slay the wicked!
Away from me, you who are bloodthirsty!
20 They speak of you with evil intent;
your adversaries misuse your name.
21 Do I not hate those who hate you, Lord,
and abhor those who are in rebellion against you?
22 I have nothing but hatred for them;
I count them my enemies.
23 Search me, God, and know my heart;
test me and know my anxious thoughts.
24 See if there is any offensive way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting.
I have not had a miscarriage so I will never know that sadness you carry but I can understand after a high risk pregnancy how hard it is to enjoy your next pregnancy. I know the worry and dread that take away from what should be a very joyful time. And the constant testing that is needed to make sure all is fine has a way of making that worry multiply. The waiting on results was so hard for me. I had 6 U/S and went to the hospital 3 times a week for blood work and non-stress tests for the full third trimester.
Wishing you an uneventful, safe pregnancy!
Coming off of a high risk pregnancy I totally get ALL the feelings! Some food for thought: we are truly just along for the journey and have no idea how our story will unfold. That being said, take a moment every day to just ‘be’ with the baby, That;s why I had a bath every night. It was just me and the baby floating in the tub and we could connect. Take a moment every day to give thanks for the baby and connect. Bonding is a positive thing even when you feel scared. However your story plays out, you will have these moments with your baby. Take it one day at a time. Literally one day. Don’t be thinking too far ahead. Allow yourself to feel moments of happiness about the pregnancy.
xxo
Love the post Tamara. I am so happy for you and this is another very lucky baby. T
I can’t even imagine all the emotional stress going on. I do know that when we got pregnant with Nya I was not as `excited’ because we had lost one right before her and I was scared it would happen again 🙁 So excited that you are finding out the gender!!
Just because you are so great at what you do and write. Versatile blogger award to you, http://campthatsite.com/2015/04/25/v-versatile-blogger-award/